don't overthink it

 

a few months ago i quit my job. i couldn't pull the trigger for months, terrified of losing healthcare and a consistent income. i was at war with myself, but losing patience with my current situation. my inner monologue went something like this: 

“oh my gosh. no. kim, no. NO. YOU CAN’T QUIT. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOU!! REMEMBER MONIES? YOU NEED THOSE.” and “ok but your anxiety is off the charts and you feel crushed, everyday. something has to change.”

i talked to my parents and their stance was more of the former than the latter (but a lot less harsh). “just don’t quit before you find something else. things will get better.” but they didn’t. i'd never quit a job before, and felt incredibly selfish. i couldn't deny the toll it was taking on my emotional (and physical and mental) health, however. sometimes the answer is easy and we make it difficult.

i decided i would do it, but first i took myself on a "goodbye trip" to my happy place: new york city. (those vacation days were not going to waste.) before i left, i spotted this  pin at a local shop downtown. it was a lifeline, pulling me from the water i'd been treading the past few months. i wore it on my jackets, every day, until i quit. every time i thought about staying, i looked down at my pin and thought, "i already know the solution to this problem."

new york was good for my soul, and time with friends helped me feel like a person again. i was feeling pretty confident about quitting when i got back, and then something solidified it. it was my last day in new york, and i was en route to my airbnb. i was double checking a work event happening that night, and discovered that the person covering me forgot to ask off. i was in the middle of resolving the issue when my boss frantically called me, multiple times, furious. i texted him, letting him know that i was already on top of resolving the issue, but he didn't believe me, and insisted i call him. my anxiety went through the roof, anticipating having to explain myself when i got back.

this was not uncommon. it happened a lot, actually, and this was a milder incident. there was lots of underhandedness and disrespect that i dismissed, because giving people the benefit of the doubt is kinda my biggest downfall. i was putting my health and dignity on the line so when someone asked "so what do you do?" i could answer with a cool job title. not anymore. my decision to quit was clearer than ever.

the day i got back, i put in my 2 weeks. my boss was still fuming about the scheduling mishap (which had resolved itself) and was pissed that i was quitting. nonetheless, it was a triumphant day for me. over the weekend, i noticed my work email had been disconnected, and i'd been kicked off the company's social media sites, which i managed. on monday morning, my boss told me i'd been replaced. through an email. (my personal email because my work one was gone, remember? lol) i felt surprised and not surprised. i was relieved. but also pissed. i felt like maria from "sound of music", swirling on a hilltop and beyoncé in the "don't hurt yourself" video. (beyoncé.....on a mountaintop? yes. always choose beyoncé.) i decided to write an email, telling him how i felt, and i didn't hold back. what was he gonna do, fire me? lololol the way i chose to respond honored me as a person, and that indispensable former employee, as he saw me. i decided early separation from a miserable job called for a movie with a strong female lead. so i saw moana in theaters, by myself (and cried) and it was glorious. 

it's important you know i'm not using this as an opportunity to bash my former boss. this is just a classic case of me overthinking something i already knew the answer to. i justified constant anxiety and unrest to hold onto security a few months longer. when you're in your late 20s and between jobs for like the 8th time, you tend to put up with a lot, hoping it'll turn into something. i hope someone out there can relate. just know that there's a better option out there.

chances are you already know the answer to your difficult decision. and guys, life is just too short to spend a majority of your time miserable! the solution may be hella uncomfortable for a while, but it won't last forever, i promise. am i currently living with my parents to make ends meet? yes, but joke's on you...i was already living with my parents when i was working! so, in your face!

looking for a job has been brutal. it always is. the same panicky thoughts play like a tape recorder every time i type in my search, online. but every now and then i ask myself if i’d rather be here or where i was 4 months ago, and i always answer confidently, “here.”

if you're currently in a bad spot, give yourself permission to process it, but don't dawdle on making a healthy decision for yourself. (says the person who spends a solid 7-10 minutes in the cereal aisle)

advocate for yourself, trust your instincts and don’t take any crap. the answer to your problem may be hard to swallow for now, but it's as ann as the nose on plain’s face. 

photo C/O my camera